Negotiation. A word that conjures up images of high stakes business deals, tense courtroom dramas or even hostage situations. But negotiation is so much more than that. It’s a fundamental part of human interaction, impacting everything from our personal relationships to our professional success!
Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, spent over 20 years facing some of the toughest and most dangerous negotiations imaginable! In his book Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It he shares the strategies and principles he developed during his time at the FBI. He says the skills he learned in life or death situations can be applied to any negotiation and help us get better outcomes, build stronger relationships and even become more persuasive and influential in our daily lives!
Beyond Logic: The Power of Tactical Empathy
Most negotiation advice focuses on logic, reason and finding that “win-win” solution. But Chris Voss flips the script. He says emotions play a huge role in any negotiation. People aren’t rational actors; they’re driven by feelings, fears and often unconscious biases!
Here’s the core of his approach: tactical empathy. It is:
"…understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow."
Tactical empathy involves:
Active listening: Listening not just to what people are saying but to how they’re saying it - their tone of voice, body language and the emotions beneath their words.
Labeling emotions: Naming those feelings. This could be as simple as saying “You seem frustrated” or “You sound concerned about the deadline.”
Building rapport: Creating a connection with the other person. This makes them more likely to trust you, open up and work with you to find a solution.
Tactical empathy isn’t about being "nice" or giving in! It’s about gathering information, influencing the other person’s thinking and getting what you want while still considering what they want!
“No”
We’re taught to seek agreement. We want to hear that "yes", that confirmation that everything is going our way. But Chris Voss says "no" is not the end of a negotiation, it’s the beginning.
“No” can:
Give the other person a sense of control.
Clarify their boundaries and needs.
Open up the conversation for more real talk.
Make them feel safe and secure, less likely to give in before they’re ready.
Here are some key lessons from the book on how to master the power of “no”:
Don’t be afraid of "no." See it as an opportunity to gather more information and understand the other person’s perspective.
Use calibrated questions to get "no." These are questions that start with How or What and steer the conversation in your direction, like "How am I supposed to do that?" or "What about this doesn’t work for you?"
Don’t go for "yes." Go for "That’s right!" When someone says "That’s right" they’re not just agreeing, they’re confirming a shared reality. That’s where the real alignment happens and it’s way more powerful than a superficial "yes."
The Art of Bending Reality
Our perceptions shape our reality! The same $100 bill can mean completely different things depending on the context. A $100 discount is amazing, a $100 loss is infuriating. A $100 raise is good, but if everyone else got a $1,000 raise and you got $100, then $100 looks like nothing.
This section covers the psychological principles and tools for shaping other people’s perceptions (their subjective realities).
Anchoring: The first number mentioned in a negotiation sets the anchor on which all subsequent offers are based. Even extreme anchors can work if used strategically to get what you want.
Loss Aversion: People are more motivated by the fear of losing something than by the potential of gaining something of equal value. Use this in your language.
Deadlines: Deadlines create urgency and while they seem simple, using deadlines strategically is key in any negotiation.
Fairness: It’s often feelings, not logic! And since everyone wants to be treated fairly, use that to your advantage! It’s a way to shape others’ expectations.
Art of Bargaining
Most of us dread that moment in a negotiation when it’s time to talk numbers, to haggle over price, or to make those final offers and counteroffers. It can feel confrontational and uncomfortable, and we’re more likely to make impulsive decisions when we’re in that headspace.
Here’s what you need to remember about bargaining:
It’s emotional: It’s about managing your own fear, frustration, and greed and also understanding and influencing the other side’s emotional state.
It’s about information: Bargaining is like a game of poker - the more you know about the other side the better decisions you’ll make!
Preparation is key: Just as an athlete doesn’t compete without training, a negotiator shouldn’t go into a bargaining session without a plan!
It’s about creating the illusion of control: Give the other side a sense of autonomy; that doesn’t mean giving up on your own goals, it just means approaching it from a different angle.
The Ready-to-Walk Mindset
“No deal is better than a bad deal”. This is the core principle Chris Voss repeats throughout the book. It’s about knowing your bottom line and being truly prepared to walk away if the terms aren’t right, because we all have this need to reach an agreement and are blind to what a good deal looks like or a bad deal looks like.
When we’re desperate for a deal—whether it’s a job offer, a sales contract or even a personal agreement—we make bad decisions and compromise on things that are important to us just to get it done.
But when we’re truly okay with walking away from something then we’re more likely to:
Negotiate from a position of strength.
Protect our own interests.
Get a better outcome.
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