We talk about overcoming external obstacles – competition, challenges, deadlines. But there’s a far more insidious enemy living inside each of us, an enemy that can sabotage our success, our relationships and even our happiness: our ego.
Okay, you’re thinking, “Ego? I’m not some egomaniac! I’m pretty chill.” But wait! Ego isn’t just about being arrogant or self-absorbed. It’s sneakier than that, a little voice in our ear that whispers:
“You’re special.”
“You deserve more.”
“You already know everything.”
“It’s not your fault.”
It’s the voice that stops us from learning, from growing, from being the best versions of ourselves.
Ryan Holiday, author of Ego is the Enemy, calls it:
“An unhealthy belief in our own importance. Arrogance. Self-centered ambition.”
It’s the voice that makes us overreach, that blinds us to our weaknesses and that prevents us from being real with others..
Why Ego is the Enemy - 3 Ways It Holds Us Back
We can’t defeat an enemy we don’t understand right? So here’s a breakdown of the main ways ego shows up and sabotages our success no matter where we are in our journey.
Aspiring:
When we’re starting out ego makes us think we already know everything. We get caught up in fantasies of how things should be, crave constant validation and talk a big game without putting in the work.
That’s why so many people get stuck in this “aspiring” phase! They’re waiting for that perfect opportunity to come along, the one that aligns with their self image rather than embracing the humility of being a beginner and learning the ropes.
Here are some ways ego holds us back when we’re aspiring:
Seeking Constant Approval: We become obsessed with what others think of us – our image, our reputation. This stops us from taking risks, from putting ourselves out there and from doing the real work that leads to success.
Talking Instead of Doing: It’s easy to get caught up in grand plans and big ambitions. But without action those plans are just words, nothing more.
Fear of Silence and Real Work: Ego doesn’t like the silence of focused effort. It wants attention, recognition and immediate rewards.
Here's what Ryan says about this:
"In actuality, silence is strength – particularly early on in any journey. As the philosopher (and as it happens, a hater of newspapers and their chatter) Kierkegaard warned, ‘Mere gossip anticipates real talk, and to express what is still in thought weakens action by forestalling it.’”
2. Successful:
It’s counterintuitive but ego can be even more dangerous when we’ve had some success! We get complacent, entitled and think we’re bulletproof. We overreach, make bad decisions and forget the lessons that got us there in the first place.
That’s why so many people who have success early on crash and burn! They believe their own hype, lose their hunger and forget to stay grounded.
Here are the symptoms of “success ego”:
Complacency: “I’ve got it made, now I can chill!”. We stop learning, growing and pushing ourselves, assuming past success will automatically mean future wins.
Entitlement: “I’m entitled to everything!”. We feel like we’re owed something and start acting like we’re above the rules.
Overreaching: “I can do everything!”. We take on too much, spread ourselves too thin and end up doing nothing well.
Here's how Ryan describes it:
"Ego is the enemy of success because it makes you complacent, because it makes you entitled, because it makes you overreach."
3. Failing:
When things go wrong, the ego goes into overdrive to protect our fragile self-image. It tells us, “It’s not your fault!” “Everyone else is to blame!” “You still deserve better!”
This is when we’re most likely to make bad decisions, lash out at others, and even sabotage our own future success by not taking responsibility.
Here are the ego’s responses to failure:
Denial: “I didn’t actually fail!”. We refuse to admit our mistakes or even that there was a failure.
Blame Shifting: “It’s their fault! They screwed me over!". We point fingers, make excuses and don’t take ownership of our own actions.
Self-Pity: “Woe is me, I’m a victim!”. We wallow in self-pity and use failure as a reason to give up rather than a chance to learn and grow.
The Antidote to Ego – Confidence, Not Worthlessness
So, how do we fight back against this ego monster? The answer isn't to make ourselves feel worthless. It’s about building true confidence!
Here’s how Ryan Holiday defines confidence:
"Confidence is the opposite of ego. It’s based on real skills, real self-awareness, on doing the work, on empathy, on understanding, on objectivity, on reality and realism.”
Confidence comes from:
Mastery: Developing our skills, becoming experts in our chosen fields.
Humility: Recognizing that we’re always learning and growing, and that there’s always room for improvement.
Self-Awareness: Understanding our strengths and weaknesses, our values and our motivations.
Resilience: Bouncing back from setbacks, learning from our failures and using those experiences to fuel our growth.
Action Cures Fear (and Quiets the Ego!)
This is another key takeaway that I find incredibly empowering. Action is the best antidote to fear – and to ego. When we’re feeling uncertain, doubtful or stuck on those “what if?” questions, the best thing we can do is take action!
"Action cures fear. Indecision, postponement, on the other hand, fertilize fear.”
Think about it: when have you ever felt less anxious or afraid after thinking about a problem? Never! It’s the act of doing something that helps us overcome those feelings and get momentum going.
3 Ways to Silence the Ego
We’ve looked at how ego shows up at different stages – aspiration, success and failure – and how it can sabotage us at every turn.
Now let’s get some practical strategies to tame this inner beast!
1. The Pupil Mindset: Embrace Lifelong Learning
One of the most effective ways to combat ego is to cultivate a pupil mindset. This is about:
Staying Humble: We’re always learning and there’s always more to know! This doesn’t mean we think we’re worthless, just that we’re always open to new knowledge and perspectives.
Seeking Mentors and Guides: We can learn from those who have achieved what we want to achieve! This could be a teacher, a coach, a successful entrepreneur or even a historical figure whose story inspires us!
Actively Seeking Feedback: Ask for constructive criticism and use it as fuel for improvement. Don’t just ask for praise; ask for honest feedback that will help you grow!
2. The Power of Process:
"Keep your head down and do the work"
Ego wants shortcuts and quick wins. It wants instant gratification and external validation. But true mastery takes time, effort, and a relentless focus on the process.
It’s not about those big, flashy goals; it’s about those daily actions that build up over time!
Here’s how to tap into the power:
Focus on the Daily Grind: Don’t let those big goals distract you from doing the work, day after day.
Keep Your Goals Private (Mostly!): Sharing your dreams can be motivating but it can also backfire! Sometimes it’s better to keep those goals to yourself (or share with a few trusted people!) and let your actions speak for themselves.
Don’t Self-Promote (Until It’s Time!): Focusing on promoting yourself before you’ve actually created something is a recipe for disaster. Put in the work first, then let the world see what you’ve done!
3. Turn Defeat into Fuel
Ego wants to avoid failure at all costs. It makes us afraid to take risks, afraid to put ourselves out there and afraid to embrace the challenges that will make us stronger!
Here's a different way of thinking about failure:
"Failure isn’t the end of the road, it’s a detour, a learning opportunity, a chance to course-correct and get even stronger! "
Here are a few things to remember when things don’t go as planned:
The Effort Is Enough: It’s okay to be disappointed but don’t let those external results define your worth! Focus on the effort you put in, the lessons you learned and use those experiences to become better, stronger, wiser.
Don’t Let Ego Turn Failure into Hostility: When we fail we want to blame others or lash out at the world. But those reactions only hurt us in the long run. Instead channel that energy into learning, growing and figuring out a new path to success.
Draw the Line: If a goal is no longer serving you, if it’s compromising your values or causing you to act in ways you’re not proud of, it’s okay to walk away. There’s strength in knowing when to say “enough” and focus on something that aligns with your true purpose.
It’s Time to Take Control of Your Ego!
Ego is the Enemy is about how to stop this inner voice from sabotaging us, then how to fight back. It’s not about killing our ambition but about making sure it serves us not the other way around!
So what’s your strategy for taming the beast within? How will you beat the ego and live a life of true fulfillment and success? Share your thoughts in the comments!
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